a painful day

I've thought about writing about this situation before but hesitated. It is my own personal pain. Now though I write because maybe someone else will avoid causing someone the same pain. I can only hope.

Six years ago my only daughter gave birth to a premature little girl, Sarah. She was so tiny and so precious. Only living a few miles away, I saw her often. As my only grandchild she of course was extremely amazing to me. When her mom didn't want a pink room at her house, I painted a bedroom pink and bought her a crib for it, then a toddler bed. She stayed here often mostly on weekends. She was a kind, quiet child, full of amazing love.

I haven't spent time with her in two and a half years. Her mother got mad at me for something- I don't even know for sure what - and cut off all communication. I was crazy with grief and sadness for a long long time. A million times I've seen something in a store or gone somewhere we went together and was reminded with a flood of tears of time we spent together. I really thought I was getting better, a lot better, until today.

I drive down a road to run errands and Sarah's other grandparents live on this road. As I drove by today there was big blow up things in the yard, balloons and a tent. I realized that she was having a birthday party at her grandparents house. I had heard she was having a party but didn't know when. Her birthday is next Wednesday. This is the third birthday I've missed. I've also missed her first day of school, dance recitals, Christmas'. I don't even know her any more.

Somehow I think this one is worse. Her dad has started being friendly to me on occasion. I ran into him and Sarah at the mall one day and he let me speak to her. I don't think she knew me. He has come by the house a few times to visit or eat my cookies. He tells me Sarah remembers me and asks about me. I don't see how this is possible. But it gets my hopes up. The week before her birthday though I hear nothing.

Today for the first time I realized that I also grieve for the loss of my only daughter. We have never been as close as some- she always held me at arms length. I don't miss the drama she brought into my life constantly. But I do miss having a daughter.

If I didn't have a wonderful son, a daughter-in-law I love, and three wonderful grandchildren from his family I just don't know how I could even go on. I really question the whole reason for life sometimes.